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+3/9/26
+
+
+3/8/26
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+I spent the entire day (re)watching Mahou Shoujo Madoka ☆ Magica, the mood I was in and the substances I was intoxicated with made for a borderline religious experience. My favorite character gotta be Miki Sayaka specifically because I can see myself in her idiotic vacillations between stubborn feeble mindedness and literally every single event happening to her taking something away from her. Madoka feels like a "baseline" in the story and I can't remember anything remarkable she did except for maybe becoming god in the end or whatever, I don't understand why people like her. Akemi Homura ends up ripping her apart(?)(i.e., copying the records of human kaname madoka (idk)) in the movie and creates a fake world where everything goes right (in her perspective). I am media illiterate so I didn't really "learn" anything from the anime. Maybe be kind to people because you never know when a time traveler will relive the same month a hundred times just to change your potentially unauspicious fate? Or alternatively, don't be nice to people because you never know when a time traveler will turn into a demon after you become God and rip you apart because she loves you so much? I don't know. Maybe "don't go against your fate"? I genuinely enjoyed the experimental-looking mix of art styles for witches and whatnot.
+
+(you can tell i was not coherent while writing the above)
+
+3/7/26
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+I'm back to cumulatively sleeping 10 hours a day and I feel like ASS. It's vanishingly rare I manage to feel relatively ok for more than two consecutive days.
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+3/5/26
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+I didn't write anything yesterday or today up until now because it was obvious nothing interesting was going to be written except for maybe a long disjointed recapitulation of previously mentioned pain points about irrelevant minutiæ of my being. Anyways I'm almost done rewriting this in Rust except I have no fucking clue why axum keeps shitting itself even though I did everything correctly when I'm passing state to handlers. I'll figure this out later.
+
+Maximally enacting my free will is so exciting. I should go off-script more.
+
+I forgot it's a new sexagenary month. A bug landed on my nose today and it rained a lot here, definitely not off to a good start.
+
+I sometimes daydream of being a terrorist to see if there's anything I'm doing that might snitch on me in such a scenario. Even minor details like having Twitter installed would mean authorities can send me a bunch of notifications and see which device Apple's notification servers sends Twitter notifications to if I decide to make a Twitter account for said hypothetical terrorist organization. The email addresses and the plethora of forwarders I employ are definitely a weak link. I think the glaring issue here is that I won't be able to contain myself while commanding a terrorist organization.
+
 3/3/26
 
 They released a new flavor of Monster here. It tastes like shit and its only redeeming factor is its quirkchungus can design.
@@ -16,7 +39,7 @@ I feel so sad I want to cry. Whenever my eyes tear up I get immediately embarras
 
 3/2/26
 
-I think dying well is quite overlooked in modern society. Ignoring the morass of whishy washy live laugh love New York Times opinion letters, you can't die well without living well. In East Asian culture people become ghosts when they die if they become obsessed with something they haven't done in their life, for example a new parent would become a ghost if their last thoughts in a car accident were "I can't leave my child behind". I guess scenarios like this aren't really alterable, they couldn't accelerate the growth of their child when they were still alive. But you get the general idea of it, the chances of you dying early is quite rare but you're still going to have to face it one day. You won't be able to do everything, but most people rarely ever do even one thing they truly want to do and spend the rest of their retired lives sitting on their ass watching TV because they're too sick to walk. I don't think you want that. I saw someone saying such considerations are first-world problems when people are dying due to war. If that's what you think then donate to charity. Fly out there and help people to your heart's content. None of these people do anything outside of concern trolling. Health is also very underappreciated, many people think they can just consume and do everything they want to then randomly drop dead from a heart attack at 30 or something, but the process of dying from metabolic disorders is a long deteriorative process you do not want to experience. Suicide isn't so easy either.
+I think dying well is quite overlooked in modern society. Ignoring the morass of wishy washy live laugh love New York Times opinion letters, you can't die well without living well. In East Asian culture people become ghosts when they die if they become obsessed with something they haven't done in their life, for example a new parent would become a ghost if their last thoughts in a car accident were "I can't leave my child behind". I guess scenarios like this aren't really alterable, they couldn't accelerate the growth of their child when they were still alive. But you get the general idea of it, the chances of you dying early is quite rare but you're still going to have to face it one day. You won't be able to do everything, but most people rarely ever do even one thing they truly want to do and spend the rest of their retired lives sitting on their ass watching TV because they're too sick to walk. I don't think you want that. I saw someone saying such considerations are first-world problems when people are dying due to war. If that's what you think then donate to charity. Fly out there and help people to your heart's content. None of these people do anything outside of concern trolling. Health is also very underappreciated, many people think they can just consume and do everything they want to then randomly drop dead from a heart attack at 30 or something, but the process of dying from metabolic disorders is a long deteriorative process you do not want to experience. Suicide isn't so easy either.
 
 I know a few people I'd like to copy their entire set of memories and knowledge due to their sheer knowledgeability. #8 (who disappointingly cut contact with me <a class="splink" href="https://telegram.org/faq#q-can-i-hide-my-last-seen-time">a long time ago</a>) and #9 have so much 2nd hand insider knowledge and and contacts that I'd like to dump their entire brains' contents and copy it to myself somehow (ill put their brains back in place ofc). Frustratingly this is not possible yet.
 
@@ -62,7 +85,7 @@ I'm too tired to write anything more for today.
 
 2/27/26
 
-I keep getting nosebleeds. Mr. Yaweh made me a guy but decided I'll lose a period's worth of blood (60mL quoth Google, idk) through my nose every single day (I've lost 100mL on bad days), like what's the point. Surprisingly I am not anemic.
+I keep getting nosebleeds. Mr. Yaweh made me a guy but decided I'll lose a period's worth of blood (60mL quoth Google, idk) through my nose every single day (I've lost 100mL on bad days), like what's the point. Surprisingly I am not anæmic.
 
 I used to dislike webfonts until I found out you can strip out unwanted characters in a woff file with subset-font(https://www.npmjs.com/package/subset-font). The Chinese font I use for ataxia.moe is only 15kb thanks to it.
 
@@ -240,18 +263,12 @@ I only watched the endless eight episodes of The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi i
 
 2/15/26
 
-I went to sleep at 1am and woke up at 3am. I couldn't go back to sleep so I took a shower and watched a bit of Welcome To The NHK but I couldn't watch it due to second hand embarrassment. Then I went to sleep again at 7am and woke up at 8am. This is due to nicotine/caffeine withdrawals, I've been sleeping like an animal, 2 hours of sleep with 4 hours of wake time. Needless to say I'm back on both.
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-I don't know which one caused this, or maybe both, but I was genuinely going insane due to withdrawals. The physical fatigue was whatever, I have constant fatigue anyway, but I couldn't deal with the paranoia and mental instability that ensued. Actually I think it's the nicotine, nicotine is an antipsychotic. I don't know if it's the nicotine or cotinine (its metabolite (probably both)), but the thing is that it reduces delusions and paranoia in schizophrenics. I'm not schizophrenic, but it's likely that withdrawals made my preëxisting disorders worse.
+I went to sleep at 1am and woke up at 3am. I couldn't go back to sleep so I took a shower and watched a bit of Welcome To The NHK but I couldn't watch it due to second hand embarrassment. Then I went to sleep again at 7am and woke up at 8am.
 
 2/14/26
 
 This is beautiful: https://vivarism.neocities.org/diary/24/februaryx
 
-I don't know if I ever actually recovered from my DXM abuse. I still have trouble articulating myself properly (or maybe this is just perception bias), my focus has never been the same, and I've been getting progressively worse mentally. Just today I heard a knock on the door while I was showering (my bathroom is inside my room because its a bedroom (which barely leaves room for a desk, but more about this later)) and I almost cried because I was so stressed out. What was going into my room. What was it going to do? I later discovered nothing had happened which actually weirded me out even more.
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-DXM gave me a delusion and while it wasn't a debilitating delusion it was still very painful to deal with. I thought I was a demon inhabiting this flesh suit, basically. I think I had this delusion for about a month. I thought I had to "preserve" this body so the real owner could come back safely. Well, he never returned, because I am him and he is me.
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 The question of "Why am I me?" has plagued me ever since I was a little child. This is different from "Why am I myself?" of which the answer is clear: I am myself because I did the things that lead to the me that is here typing this. But... why am I *me* specifically? I'm using me instead of myself like how we use "him" and "her"; "Why is she her?" instead of "Why is she herself?" and so on. So why *am* I me? Well, the scientific explanation is that I developed consciousness as my brain was developing and that has created a unique sense of self that my brain perceives. But I just don't like this. I don't like it. I don't like it. Something's missing but I don't know what is.
 
 Dude. This shit is lit. So basically theres this formula of calcul8ing the day of the week (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Determination_of_the_day_of_the_week#Disparate_variation), if you wanna use it in your C code you'd have to do this:
@@ -262,22 +279,6 @@ int dow(int y, int m, int d) {
   return (d + (26*(m + 1) - 2)/10 + y2 + y2/4 + c/4 - 2*c) % 7;
 }
 
-2/13/26
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--- I wrote this one on paper, so I'll transcribe it here.
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-i want to kill myself. why should i live like this, i cant fucking stand this. why does my life need to be like this everyone hates me everyone wants me gone its all my fault its all my fault let me please live my life why am i perpetually stuck here i cant. why. why. why. why. why. everything is so futile. i cant stand it anymore. why does this have to happen to me? why? why? why?
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 2/12/26
 
 Ok, I just read an incredible study on how Vitamin C megadoses can alleviate opioid withdrawals almost entirely (https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7572147/). They have this regimen of taking 2g of vitamin C every 2 hours (this can vary). The article mentions a woman who was taking 1800mg of morphine and 300mg of fentanyl and this is hard to believe. I guess the fentanyl was cut but seriously? It'd still be way over the LD100.
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-2/11/26
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-#1 was starting Vraylar (cariprazine) for his bipolar disorder and I gave him some advice on titration/dosages and stuff. psychiatrist.com is lit. He's depressed but he isn't crashing out at random people while drunk anymore so it's good.
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-#2 didn't really want to talk to me. I don't know why.
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-I want to start my website again.
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-[redacted]