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@@ -1,3 +1,81 @@
+3/22/26
+
+Slept a bit more than yesterday, still adjusting I guess.
+
+My hairdresser destroyed me. She tore me up. She chewed me up and spat me out. My hair is a mess now.
+
+German meth advertisements looked very modern.
+
+<img src="/_/pervitin.webp" loading="lazy" class="t" tabindex="1" width=40% align="center" /><span class="f"><img loading="lazy" src="/_/pervitin.webp" /></span>
+
+I love the font.
+
+I was reading <a href="https://www.psychiatrist.com/jcp/a-man-with-als-and-psychiatric-distress/" class="splink">this psychiatrist.com article</a> about this guy with ALS who got divorced and died two years after initiating therapy. Reading things like this reminds me why I believe in things like karma and past lives. I like to believe there is some kind of defining order in the world. I accept Buddhist doctrine mainly because it explains a substantial fraction of the human condition though 業(karma). Most people come here and are born as humans to shed their 惡業 (misdeeds, sins). They also enjoy their past 善業(good deeds) and create new 惡業s and 善業s while living this current life, but most do not have enough 善業 to enjoy a truly fulfilling life. Christianity, even moreso the modern interpretation of it, is quite handwavy on explaining inequality. We're all equals in God's eyes, worldly possession is ultimately not yours, and uhh.. I dunno? I guess it's God's way of testing everyone differently because He has a plan and he tests the rich with humility and the poor with devotion and endurance? Not a fan.
+
+Obviously the scientific explanation is that you, the entity that is reading this and perceives that there is a self, just happens to exist. Thus the question "Why do I have to be me?" becomes completely meaningless. It makes perfect sense logically, but I DO NOT LIKE THIS! SOMETHING'S MISSING! I want meaning. I want to believe in <i>something</i>. Obviously the problem with Buddhistic karmic thought is that the start of all this cannot be defined. The Buddha specifically states this as "unanswerable" and states that there was a start but no end, and no start but an end (有始無終, 無始有終). I guess maybe it's something we can't comprehend logically but is true somehow. Maybe time is circular like in Jainist doctrine. Who knows?
+
+I went off on a bit of a tangent, but I do believe some people are here to simply suffer. Maybe I am one of them, but I hope not. I will write more about this kind of stuff later. By the way, alleviating suffering through treatment is not interfering with shedding of karma: the suffering has been merely translated into medical expenses, side effects, meds wearing away at your kidneys and so on. I have so many ideas in my head right now but I don't want to write an entire quasiërudite dissertation.
+
+3/21/26
+
+Woke up at 6AM but can't go back to sleep. I sort of expected this.
+
+I was able to actively engage in classes but I couldn't resist infodumping about phonetics, I guess that's a bit of a downside.
+
+Yesterday was <a href="https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/%E6%98%A5%E5%88%86#Proper_noun" class="splink">春分</a>, Vernal Equinox, which means the Sun's ecliptic longitude was 0°. Old Chinese divination texts suggest that although a year officially starts when the ecliptic longitude is 315° (<a href="https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/%E7%AB%8B%E6%98%A5#Proper_noun" class="splink">立春</a>, Establishment of Spring), a certain year's force is in full swing only after 春分 (sort of makes sense i guess?). Funny how that coincides with me deciding to finally do something to better myself.
+
+Today was quite good. My focus has somewhat returned, the street signs felt welcoming, something I haven't felt in ages, and I actually got up and did things.
+
+3/20/26
+
+I have an appointment scheduled for in a few hours. I called this psychiatrist I used to see but the earliest available appointment was next Wednesday, so I'll have to go through an initial assessment at another shrink's and pay a bit extra if I want to be diagnosed ASAP, which I'm willing to. They want to know my full history of medications apparently. Escitalopram clonazepam sertraline valproate aripiprazole alprazolam fluoxetine etizolam amitriptyline quetiapine bupropion in no particular order. Oh wow, what a list. I will aim to get venlafaxine, methylphenidate and a sleep med.
+
+He was saying my previous SSRI trials from a few years ago likely will not correlate to this new trial, as I'm no longer a minor and that supposedly creates a big discrepancy in brain chemistry. I'll take his word for that.
+
+I got desvenlafaxine, which is pretty much the same thing, and I have a questionnaire to fill out on ADHD and anxiety disorder until next week which I just finished (hopefully they do prescribe me methylphenidate next week). it's been 4 hours since I took the Pristiq and I already noticed less compulsions and less unnecessary reactions (I bought a cigarette and forgot to actually take it with me, and there were several customers. Usually this would've made me extremely angry at myself, but I was totally fine and even laughed it off), and I know this isn't placebo because I noticed dilated pupils. He was right I guess. (The 2 week grace period for antidepressants is usually a conservative measure for "remission", i.e., somewhat returning to normal. Some individuals like me notice effects right away. Others (like me a few years ago) don't and never see any benefits. Antidepressants are tricky.)
+
+I stopped taking caffeine two days ago to make physiological responses a bit more noticeable to lessen the possibility of placebo effects (still far from perfect, it's impossible to distinguish placebo from actual pharmacological effects by yourself). I felt a lot less tired than my usual caffeinated self and didn't need to take a nap. Wonderful. I also talked to people in real life without a single problem.
+
+3/18/26
+
+I feel the need to see a psychiatrist immediately as I realized I show many symptoms that didn't exist just a few months ago. The most frustrating one is my internal monologue being almost completely gone. I feel brain damaged. I also find it much harder to put together coherent sentences, my lexicon has shrunk, and I lack what little drive I had left. Sadness actually happens to be the most manageable symptom. I spend half my waking hours daydreaming and/or derealized, and last but not least I find it profoundly difficult to get out of bed regardless of how well I slept that night. Hopefully they aren't fully booked tomorrow and something in the pharmacopœia alleviates at least some ailments.
+
+3/17/26
+
+I have been notified of something I expected to happen sooner or later anyway but the source of which makes me weigh in on the possibility of it being a grand delusion or hallucination. Realistically it won't affect me, if the subject does not view me in as negative of a light as my obtrusive thoughts dictate.
+
+I used to read <a href="https://www.sandordargo.com/blog/2026/03/11/cpp26-oxford-variadic-comma" class="splink">things like this</a> delightfully but nowadays I cannot read it without having a faint sense of disgust wash over me. Maybe I'm growing older.
+
+As of UNIX date 1773721028, 221090 people this year and 772 today have died from suicide. None of this is your problem. I find it very hard to internalize this psychologically. I'm a loser who is obsessed with death even though I won't actually get to experience it nor realize its full depth until I am significantly older and decrepit. You will at most be a fallen leaf from your family tree, and your legacy nor eulogy is yours to see. Time reaps everything unconditionally and this miniscule, gossamer time window I and you exist on somehow has provided the chance for my empty words to be read by your eyes and digested by your mind. I'm going into a thought loop again.
+
+<a class="splink" href="https://doi.org/10.5281/zenodo.18881738">This</a> is pretty cool. I didn't know about balanced ternary arithmetic. -1(T), 0(0), 1(1), 2(1T), and so on. The only difference from standard arithmetic is that carry bits are carry trits instead, so 5-4=1 would be
+<pre style="font-family: monospace">
+   9    3    1
+--------------
+   1   -1   -1
+-  0    1    1
+--------------
+   1   -1   -1
++  0   -1   -1 (notice how negation is just ~)
+--------------
+   1 -3+1 -3+1
+--------------
+→ 1-1  1
++      -1    1
+--------------
+   0    0    1
+</pre>
+
+I just had the "just read the most devastatingly beautiful sentence in literature and can't talk about it because it was in a fanfic" moment while reading an <a href="https://www.erowid.org/experiences/exp.php?ID=70797" class="splink">Erowid report on crack cocaine</a>. Way too much poetry for fucking crack. Here are other beautifully written reports I have bookmarked: <a href="https://www.erowid.org/experiences/exp.php?ID=74175" class="splink">another one about crack</a> (has very vivid imagery) and <a href="https://www.erowid.org/experiences/exp.php?ID=38090" class="splink">one about Lexapro</a>.
+
+Yeah, we're all listening to this: <a href="https://musescore.com/user/40594577/scores/20022925" class="splink">link</a>.
+
+3/16/26
+
+I tried out Zotero after hearing about it almost a year ago and I feel robbed of my time for trying it out so late. This stuff is incredible. I can intellect posture more efficiently now.
+
+I made an <a href="https://anilist.co/user/sayaker/mangalist" class="splink">anilist account</a>. You may view the laughably short list of anime and manga I have watched/read.
+
 3/15/26
 
 Kuroki Tomoko(黒木智子) from Watamote is actually a Scottish girl named Sophia Blackwood and her Japanese name is the localized version. Few know this. The evidence is clear:
@@ -166,7 +244,7 @@ Working with math-heavy code makes me realize most programming languages weren't
 
 I only slept for 5 hours. I'm trying to purposefully fuck my sleep schedule up because I'm annoyed by how I always wake up at 8am without an alarm clock. This doesn't sound like a bad thing until you want a flexible sleep schedule. Sometime last year my circadian clock decided wakey wakey time will be 8am sharp for no particular reason and I haven't missed a day since.
 
-I remember actually experiencing "major depression" last year. It was when [i dont want to share this]. I basically slept for the entire day and didn't get out of bed for two weeks unless I had to take care of basic physiological needs. I lost around 7kg of weight and found things I genuinely enjoyed doing utterly worthless and boring. Fortunately or unfortunately I've been able to get out of bed after that and do things I used to enjoy again, and went back to my usual self-loathing cycle. Recently I've been developing a kind of strange narcissism alongside my self hate, and they conflict with each other now. I suggested someone doing a high-performance online programming leaderboard thing of which the task was to add a bunch of numbers from stdint, to not parse the numbers and operate on them directly then horizontally add the numbers every n cycle where n is the minimum count of cycles where a lane can overflow in a simd register. He did some LLM prompting with my idea and it made his code 4x faster. Something as basic as this gave me a massive ego boost, it really shouldn't.
+Recently I've been developing a kind of strange narcissism alongside my self hate, and they conflict with each other now. I suggested someone doing a high-performance online programming leaderboard thing of which the task was to add a bunch of numbers from stdint, to not parse the numbers and operate on them directly then horizontally add the numbers every n cycle where n is the minimum count of cycles where a lane can overflow in a simd register. He did some LLM prompting with my idea and it made his code 4x faster. Something as basic as this gave me a massive ego boost, it really shouldn't.
 
 Hey look at what 7zip tells me after it archives a file. neat.
 <pre style="font-family: monospace">
@@ -308,11 +386,13 @@ The question of "Why am I me?" has plagued me ever since I was a little child. T
 
 Dude. This shit is lit. So basically theres this formula of calcul8ing the day of the week (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Determination_of_the_day_of_the_week#Disparate_variation), if you wanna use it in your C code you'd have to do this:
 
+<pre style="font-family: monospace">
 int dow(int y, int m, int d) {
   int Y = y - (m &lt;= 2), y2 = Y%100, c = Y/100;
   m += 9; m -= 12 * (m &gt;= 12); // we can do this because __builtin_assume(m + 9 &lt; 24)
   return (d + (26*(m + 1) - 2)/10 + y2 + y2/4 + c/4 - 2*c) % 7;
 }
+</pre>
 
 2/12/26
 
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