3/22/26
Slept a bit more than yesterday, still adjusting I guess.
My hairdresser destroyed me. She tore me up. She chewed me up and spat me out. My hair is a mess now.
German meth advertisements looked very modern.
I love the font.
I was reading this psychiatrist.com article about this guy with ALS who got divorced and died two years after initiating therapy. Reading things like this reminds me why I believe in things like karma and past lives. I like to believe there is some kind of defining order in the world. I accept Buddhist doctrine mainly because it explains a substantial fraction of the human condition though 業(karma). Most people come here and are born as humans to shed their 惡業 (misdeeds, sins). They also enjoy their past 善業(good deeds) and create new 惡業s and 善業s while living this current life, but most do not have enough 善業 to enjoy a truly fulfilling life. Christianity, even moreso the modern interpretation of it, is quite handwavy on explaining inequality. We're all equals in God's eyes, worldly possession is ultimately not yours, and uhh.. I dunno? I guess it's God's way of testing everyone differently because He has a plan and he tests the rich with humility and the poor with devotion and endurance? Not a fan.
Obviously the scientific explanation is that you, the entity that is reading this and perceives that there is a self, just happens to exist. Thus the question "Why do I have to be me?" becomes completely meaningless. It makes perfect sense logically, but I DO NOT LIKE THIS! SOMETHING'S MISSING! I want meaning. I want to believe in something. Obviously the problem with Buddhistic karmic thought is that the start of all this cannot be defined. The Buddha specifically states this as "unanswerable" and states that there was a start but no end, and no start but an end (有始無終, 無始有終). I guess maybe it's something we can't comprehend logically but is true somehow. Maybe time is circular like in Jainist doctrine. Who knows?
I went off on a bit of a tangent, but I do believe some people are here to simply suffer. Maybe I am one of them, but I hope not. I will write more about this kind of stuff later. By the way, alleviating suffering through treatment is not interfering with shedding of karma: the suffering has been merely translated into medical expenses, side effects, meds wearing away at your kidneys and so on. I have so many ideas in my head right now but I don't want to write an entire quasiërudite dissertation.
3/21/26
Woke up at 6AM but can't go back to sleep. I sort of expected this.
I was able to actively engage in classes but I couldn't resist infodumping about phonetics, I guess that's a bit of a downside.
Yesterday was 春分, Vernal Equinox, which means the Sun's ecliptic longitude was 0°. Old Chinese divination texts suggest that although a year officially starts when the ecliptic longitude is 315° (立春, Establishment of Spring), a certain year's force is in full swing only after 春分 (sort of makes sense i guess?). Funny how that coincides with me deciding to finally do something to better myself.
Today was quite good. My focus has somewhat returned, the street signs felt welcoming, something I haven't felt in ages, and I actually got up and did things.
3/20/26
I have an appointment scheduled for in a few hours. I called this psychiatrist I used to see but the earliest available appointment was next Wednesday, so I'll have to go through an initial assessment at another shrink's and pay a bit extra if I want to be diagnosed ASAP, which I'm willing to. They want to know my full history of medications apparently. Escitalopram clonazepam sertraline valproate aripiprazole alprazolam fluoxetine etizolam amitriptyline quetiapine bupropion in no particular order. Oh wow, what a list. I will aim to get venlafaxine, methylphenidate and a sleep med.
He was saying my previous SSRI trials from a few years ago likely will not correlate to this new trial, as I'm no longer a minor and that supposedly creates a big discrepancy in brain chemistry. I'll take his word for that.
I got desvenlafaxine, which is pretty much the same thing, and I have a questionnaire to fill out on ADHD and anxiety disorder until next week which I just finished (hopefully they do prescribe me methylphenidate next week). it's been 4 hours since I took the Pristiq and I already noticed less compulsions and less unnecessary reactions (I bought a cigarette and forgot to actually take it with me, and there were several customers. Usually this would've made me extremely angry at myself, but I was totally fine and even laughed it off), and I know this isn't placebo because I noticed dilated pupils. He was right I guess. (The 2 week grace period for antidepressants is usually a conservative measure for "remission", i.e., somewhat returning to normal. Some individuals like me notice effects right away. Others (like me a few years ago) don't and never see any benefits. Antidepressants are tricky.)
I stopped taking caffeine two days ago to make physiological responses a bit more noticeable to lessen the possibility of placebo effects (still far from perfect, it's impossible to distinguish placebo from actual pharmacological effects by yourself). I felt a lot less tired than my usual caffeinated self and didn't need to take a nap. Wonderful. I also talked to people in real life without a single problem.
3/18/26
I feel the need to see a psychiatrist immediately as I realized I show many symptoms that didn't exist just a few months ago. The most frustrating one is my internal monologue being almost completely gone. I feel brain damaged. I also find it much harder to put together coherent sentences, my lexicon has shrunk, and I lack what little drive I had left. Sadness actually happens to be the most manageable symptom. I spend half my waking hours daydreaming and/or derealized, and last but not least I find it profoundly difficult to get out of bed regardless of how well I slept that night. Hopefully they aren't fully booked tomorrow and something in the pharmacopœia alleviates at least some ailments.
3/17/26
I have been notified of something I expected to happen sooner or later anyway but the source of which makes me weigh in on the possibility of it being a grand delusion or hallucination. Realistically it won't affect me, if the subject does not view me in as negative of a light as my obtrusive thoughts dictate.
I used to read things like this delightfully but nowadays I cannot read it without having a faint sense of disgust wash over me. Maybe I'm growing older.
As of UNIX date 1773721028, 221090 people this year and 772 today have died from suicide. None of this is your problem. I find it very hard to internalize this psychologically. I'm a loser who is obsessed with death even though I won't actually get to experience it nor realize its full depth until I am significantly older and decrepit. You will at most be a fallen leaf from your family tree, and your legacy nor eulogy is yours to see. Time reaps everything unconditionally and this miniscule, gossamer time window I and you exist on somehow has provided the chance for my empty words to be read by your eyes and digested by your mind. I'm going into a thought loop again.
This is pretty cool. I didn't know about balanced ternary arithmetic. -1(T), 0(0), 1(1), 2(1T), and so on. The only difference from standard arithmetic is that carry bits are carry trits instead, so 5-4=1 would be
I just had the "just read the most devastatingly beautiful sentence in literature and can't talk about it because it was in a fanfic" moment while reading an Erowid report on crack cocaine. Way too much poetry for fucking crack. Here are other beautifully written reports I have bookmarked: another one about crack (has very vivid imagery) and one about Lexapro.
Yeah, we're all listening to this: link.
3/16/26
I tried out Zotero after hearing about it almost a year ago and I feel robbed of my time for trying it out so late. This stuff is incredible. I can intellect posture more efficiently now.
I made an anilist account. You may view the laughably short list of anime and manga I have watched/read.
3/15/26
Kuroki Tomoko(黒木智子) from Watamote is actually a Scottish girl named Sophia Blackwood and her Japanese name is the localized version. Few know this. The evidence is clear:
黒 black 木 wood 智 wisdom 子 child (Japanese feminine name suffix)
Sophia is obviously σοφία meaning wisdom.
3/14/26
Having vain thoughts again.
3/12/26
Apparently some find it hard to accept that you cannot logically prove objective morality unless you axiomatize "unbellyfeel" and/or a higher power that defines a set of morals to abide by for you. That's why laws exist. We think of laws as oppressive systems but laws are a formalization of human morality, tradition, ideology, politics and so many other things. We as humans cannot live without law, as Han Fei Zi asserted. We don't even have to believe 性惡說 or 性善說, we should not assume anything about "human nature" as it is impossible to prove the existence of such a thing. Law governs people, especially in the modern age, and is the most effective and efficient way to provide societal guarantees and structure.
Vociferously self-aggrandizing one's Incompetently Quizzed (id est. IQ) metric is one of the superlative egomaniacal self-abasements enabled by the curse that is volition. I saw a tweet yesterday (from a now privated account) where someone was claiming their 140-145 "cognitive iq"(sic) doesn't help them as a "gifted kid" and only makes them depressed because it makes them feel "strapped to a chair in a neverending solo private philosophy seminar". This individual is as full of shit as the Augean Stables (cf. Hercules' 12 labors): the self-proclaimed Insignificant Quotient (aka. IQ) is extremely dubious, but not only that, it's rare Incredulous Quid (that is, IQ) translates into a higher QoL or mental instability, contrary to popular belief. One of the quote tweets read "Good thing IQ is negatively correlated with depression!", which is also an inconceivably mentally absent thing to say, when Icantthinkofmorewords Quasimodo (colloquially referred to as IQ) tests primarily require attention to the task at hand first and foremost. Someone who doesn't care about anything and wants to die constantly surely will perform well in such tests.
3/11/26
I rewrote the date parsing code in my website to use simd code instead of regex and the immediate visible change was an unbelievable 4x code size decrease. Can you believe it. I can't either. Just by not pulling in the regex crate I made the binary so much smaller and wasm-opt doesn't take a milllion years now. Anyway, I wrote it using Rust's portable simd feature which I enjoyed writing. GCC has some QoL operations for intrinsics but this is still way better. It's also portable so say goodbye to writing multiple kernels. I wish Rust slices had a "fill" syntax so I can specify that the rest of the slice will be filled with a default vaule I specify (you already can if you only have one element specified like [0; 16] but it needs2b extended). I wondered what an LLM would write so I asked the LLM used by the Department of War (née Department of Defense), Claude (it does seem better than ChatGPT but that's a low bar) to write it while describing the steps but it couldn't SIMDify the whole algorithm except for checking whether the dates were numeric, and didn't make it branchless. Utterly worthless.
Rust really doesn't want you to do stuff it doesn't like, I used the internal Freeze trait to implement my own UnsafeCell so it wouldn't put stuff in .rodata (unsafecell isnt allowed in statics and i dont want2 wrap it), this is a complete non-issue in other languages but they usually don't assume you're writing multithreaded code. Rust has completely flipped defaults so it hates your guts when you try to adhere to older models. Not like it matters for WASM anyway, but for completeness' sake (and for testing natively) I had to do it.
3/10/26
I haven't got much to say other than that the Rust rewrite is complete and I can show the source code of my website to the public without feeling like I have committed a grave unforgivable crime. Source is now available here. Writing math code in Rust is like being sexually assaulted by a gorilla with a dildo over and over. I do not recommend it. P.S.: If you're writing code for WASM and Cloudflare Workers and your math code throws a fit, you might want to add:
I like Rust for more high-level stuff where it really shines but when I'm trying to do stuff that's mathy or deals with less than ideal stuff (i.e., code that goes against its philosophy) it quickly turns ugly. Overall I'd rate the experience "C++ but less initial work and feels more ergonomic".
3/8/26
I spent the entire day (re)watching Mahou Shoujo Madoka ☆ Magica, the mood I was in and the substances I was intoxicated with made for a borderline religious experience. My favorite character gotta be Miki Sayaka specifically because I can see myself in her idiotic vacillations between stubborn feeble mindedness and literally every single event happening to her taking something away from her. Madoka feels like a "baseline" in the story and I can't remember anything remarkable she did except for maybe becoming god in the end or whatever, I don't understand why people like her. Akemi Homura ends up ripping her apart(?)(i.e., copying the records of human kaname madoka (idk)) in the movie and creates a fake world where everything goes right (in her perspective). I am media illiterate so I didn't really "learn" anything from the anime. Maybe be kind to people because you never know when a time traveler will relive the same month a hundred times just to change your potentially unauspicious fate? Or alternatively, don't be nice to people because you never know when a time traveler will turn into a demon after you become God and rip you apart because she loves you so much? I don't know. Maybe "don't go against your fate"? I genuinely enjoyed the experimental-looking mix of art styles for witches and whatnot.
(you can tell i was not coherent while writing the above)
3/7/26
I'm back to cumulatively sleeping 10 hours a day and I feel like ASS. It's vanishingly rare I manage to feel relatively ok for more than two consecutive days.
3/5/26
I didn't write anything yesterday or today up until now because it was obvious nothing interesting was going to be written except for maybe a long disjointed recapitulation of previously mentioned pain points about irrelevant minutiæ of my being. Anyways I'm almost done rewriting this in Rust except I have no fucking clue why axum keeps shitting itself even though I did everything correctly when I'm passing state to handlers. I'll figure this out later.
Maximally enacting my free will is so exciting. I should go off-script more.
I forgot it's a new sexagenary month. A bug landed on my nose today and it rained a lot here, definitely not off to a good start.
I sometimes daydream of being a terrorist to see if there's anything I'm doing that might snitch on me in such a scenario. Even minor details like having Twitter installed would mean authorities can send me a bunch of notifications and see which device Apple's notification servers sends Twitter notifications to if I decide to make a Twitter account for said hypothetical terrorist organization. The email addresses and the plethora of forwarders I employ are definitely a weak link. I think the glaring issue here is that I won't be able to contain myself while commanding a terrorist organization.
3/3/26
They released a new flavor of Monster here. It tastes like shit and its only redeeming factor is its quirkchungus can design.
I can't help but notice Nagato Yuki from Suzumiya Haruhi's Melancholy looks like my mom. I hate Freud so much.
I need to improve my cursive, it looks more like shorthand writing than normal text to me though I can read it just fine myself. My pen almost ran out of ink.
I have a crackpot theory I'm too scared to share with people who are actually knowledgeable about this topic but here it goes: a few months back I saw a Reddit post being posted on Twitter where an MtF individual reported lack of gender dysphoria after starting tirzepatide. The user didn't seem unauthentic but it struck me as very odd and people were saying how gender dysphoria is a mental disorder (it is as per the DSM-5, but you get the undertone) and it's all fake. I did talk to a leading figure on transsexual endocrinology about this and she had an acquaintance who was going to start taking tirzepatide for weight cycling and will monitor the results. That was my previous Internet identity and I haven't bothered to ask for a followup, as I expected it to not have that psychological outcome, but here's the deal: I remembered today GLP-1 agonists target reward pathways related to dopamine, and additionally show some mood stabilizing benefits (you can google the papers, theyre everywhere). What this means is that the OP of the Reddit post in question had a subset of gender dysphoria where it bordered on an obsession for gender transitioning and/or stemmed from a mood disorder, and tirzepatide alleviated the ailments (im implying other gender dysphorics may not fit this criteria for gender dysphoria). I feel like this is too unpolished and unsubstantiated of a theory for me to tell anyone who knows stuff about endocrinology about it.
I still regret not knowing much about low-level programming when I got to try out Elbrus-8SV CPUs because I would have so much fun with them today had MCST not collapsed after the Russo-Ukrainian war broke out and (this is my speculation) funding ran out. Their e-mail address is defunct too.
The lunar eclipse that happened on 11:04 UTC was underwhelming and dim. It was quite the disappointment.
I feel so sad I want to cry. Whenever my eyes tear up I get immediately embarrassed and stop, almost instinctively.
3/2/26
I think dying well is quite overlooked in modern society. Ignoring the morass of wishy washy live laugh love New York Times opinion letters, you can't die well without living well. In East Asian culture people become ghosts when they die if they become obsessed with something they haven't done in their life, for example a new parent would become a ghost if their last thoughts in a car accident were "I can't leave my child behind". I guess scenarios like this aren't really alterable, they couldn't accelerate the growth of their child when they were still alive. But you get the general idea of it, the chances of you dying early is quite rare but you're still going to have to face it one day. You won't be able to do everything, but most people rarely ever do even one thing they truly want to do and spend the rest of their retired lives sitting on their ass watching TV because they're too sick to walk. I don't think you want that. I saw someone saying such considerations are first-world problems when people are dying due to war. If that's what you think then donate to charity. Fly out there and help people to your heart's content. None of these people do anything outside of concern trolling. Health is also very underappreciated, many people think they can just consume and do everything they want to then randomly drop dead from a heart attack at 30 or something, but the process of dying from metabolic disorders is a long deteriorative process you do not want to experience. Suicide isn't so easy either.
I know a few people I'd like to copy their entire set of memories and knowledge due to their sheer knowledgeability. #8 (who disappointingly cut contact with me a long time ago) and #9 have so much 2nd hand insider knowledge and and contacts that I'd like to dump their entire brains' contents and copy it to myself somehow (ill put their brains back in place ofc). Frustratingly this is not possible yet.
Today was of such monumental inactivity that I can't really think of anything to write down. I think Cloudflare would be a very fun company to work for.
3/1/26
It's already March. Unfuckingbelievable. My abusive relationship with Ms. Time will not cease my obituary is issued. There are still 4 days until it's the next solar term (驚蟄, lit. Awakening of Insects (oh no)) and subsequently 辛卯月. Whoever is peering back at me from inside the mirror looks like a dried up tapeworm egg.
Whatever events happening in other parts of the world are the least of my concerns. I'll probably be doing my own stuff even if I have to live inside a bunker.
I was reading about phenytoin again (one of my favorite medications because of how awful it is) and apparently there was this guy called Jack Dreyfus who was prescribed phenytoin (Dilantin, an anticonvulsant) for his depression and it worked so well he wrote an autobiography dedicated to it(https://z-lib.fm/book/R0P5R6dqg9/dilantin-a-remarkable-medicine-has-been-overlooked.html). The book is a fun read but this struck me as very odd. Phenytoin is not a good medication and has a laundry list of side effects, many of which can be serious. Reading the biography it seems more like he had a kind of latent epilepsy where it didn't quite lead to seizures, rather than major depressive disorder. Quoth:
...without instruction from me, my brain went into its files and came up with three experiences I'd had with electricity.
..
I continued with my hypothesis and said, "And some people have an electrical explosion which we call epilepsy." Max said, "It's curious that you mention epilepsy. We know from brain wave tests that the epileptic has a problem with his body electricity."
..
She had been given a medicine for her epilepsy and I asked Dr. Silbermann what it was. He told me it was Dilantin.
What's interesting though is he got a few of his neurotic acquaintances and prisoners to try it out too and it worked every time, which confuses me: yes, anticonvulsants reduce brain activity (which he calls body electricity), but it has a very high incidence of causing mood *instability* rather than stabilization. However his story, and some digging in psychiatrist.com, seems to suggest it could be a very mixed bag. I just remembered anticonvulsants like levetiracetam and valproate (the latter of which is approved for bipolar disorder, as a matter of fact) can also cause mood swings. Ok, the confusion is all cleared up now. He could very well may have gone on valproate or some other sodium channel blocking anticonvulsant and gotten the same effect. How did I forget how unpredictable psychiatric medications are?
This is only tangentially related but I remember being on an anticonvulsant, valproate, for a while due to the psychiatrist I was seeing at the time trying everything out on me (none of them worked and I'm not on anything right now). It did literally nothing except when I didn't take it, which made me extremely neurotic and hypersensitive to stimuli (i mean obviously so).
I'm going to have to rewrite my website in Rust instead because currently it's a sad looking concoction of bad Javascript and hacks to avoid the WASM FFI and memory management (you can't free memory in WASM, wtf). This just isn't sustainable.
You gotta watch this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1fZTOjd_bOQ He makes some great points, though ends on a low note. One really important thing he said is that UI isn't just about shiny textures. You need that workflow that feels natural and stuff. Most people don't understand this and think good UI just means eye candy.
I was too lazy to silently delete my messages off a dead Discord friendgroup I no longer wished to associate with and deleted entire channels from it. I did notify one member who went to retrieve something he posted but found out it was deleted a while ago anyway. I don't think this is necessarily a good thing to do but it's not really my problem. Maybe you shouldn't give someone rights if you don't want them to use it.
2/28/26
I slept 7 hours but I feel groggy. I guess the shitpit will double as a sleep tracker.
Twitter's compose box forces me into a headspace wherein I can only converse monotonically and I find it hard to talk casually about random stuff there. On the shitpit I am free from those mental restrictions, well it's a shit pit. You're not supposed to expect anything.
I just wasted half an hour of my life trying to explain to someone that his idea for an omegle text(?) clone can easily be implemented by modifying existing IRC client/servers out there and adding maybe a feature or two. The amusing dynamic involved in this conversation was he believes himself to be mentally deficient and cites his supposedly double digit IQ(or as i like to call it Insufficient & Questionable, i should write more about this l8r) for that, but he got very defensive and said I was retarded and moving the goalposts (i wasnt) when I kept reëxplaining the chat protocol he was describing ad-hoc was indeed Internet Relay Chat. I guess this is a kind of projection? He then realized I was correct and said I was brilliant, then said he wasn't going to do what I said and will vibecode it from scratch instead. Are you fucking kidding me. Please take the time to think things through before you decide it's something worth arguing about. (actually i think i do too much of this, i rethink my opinions a dozen times to valid8 them & as such i find conversing on opinion8ed topics a bit difficult)
Don't you think hands look really weird? I'm using two of them to type this out right now and I can't stop being weirded out at how strange they look. They are incredibly versatile and useful, don't get me wrong, but the way the phalanges move around attached to the metacarpals feels very odd.
The fragments that my life is consisted of are too strewn about on the side of the bell curve for me to understand what normality is. Even relatively minor(maybe an understatement) differences like a 22 year old university freshman and an 18 year old freshman will cause these two to experience university completely differently even if they enroll in the same courses and have the same friends solely due to differences in their mental age. Now imagine going completely off track at every single road in your life. That's how I've lived so far and I'm getting tired of it.
I'm too tired to write anything more for today.
2/27/26
I keep getting nosebleeds. Mr. Yaweh made me a guy but decided I'll lose a period's worth of blood (60mL quoth Google, idk) through my nose every single day (I've lost 100mL on bad days), like what's the point. Surprisingly I am not anæmic.
I used to dislike webfonts until I found out you can strip out unwanted characters in a woff file with subset-font(https://www.npmjs.com/package/subset-font). The Chinese font I use for ataxia.moe is only 15kb thanks to it.
I showed my website to a few people and the reviews were mostly positive. I really like how it looks.
Did you know the dollar sign $ used to be written as 弗 in Japan and Korea because they look similar. Look, the oracle bone script for 弗 looks exactly the same as $: (from https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/File:弗-oracle.svg)
Some Internets have voiced discontent at how powerful CSS is nowadays and I think they are looking at this the wrong way. Countless unpaid Google intern hours have been put into optimizing JavaScript engines and browsers still fail to deliver adequate performance. CSS at the design level will be faster than JavaScript (I don't have to explain this (yes there are edge cases (i still miss asm.js))), I'll take a CSS-heavy website over a JS-heavy website any day of the week. I saw a few posts on Twitter claiming that this was all a mistake, quoth "[snip]...exemplifies how fucked the modern web standards are at this point. They legitimately need to purge the whole thing and start again.". This kind of Internet re{volu,act}ionary rhetoric tires me; these people should at the bare minimum make a Gemini and fail to gain any sort of traction outside of a few hundred points on Uber For Computer Narcissism (I mean "Hacker" "News" (this is hyperbole, im guilty of posting there too)). Listen, I'm not saying alternative efforts are completely worthless. Many historical movements started from seemingly futile movements. But in tech, grifts or toy projects are quite easy to spot.
The night sky is ominously clear. I can see the stars with little difficulty.
Yes I'm still waking up at 8am for whatever reason. This ain't working. I slept 3(!) hours today and I feel okay. Something is gravely wrong with me.
I like My Chemical Romance but their lyrics are so fucking gay. Teenagers is a very jazzy song if you listen closely. Another Space Song by Failure remains the undefeated champion of rock.
2/26/26
The 3 5-hour sleep days have finally caught up to me. I slept for an additional 4 hours totaling 9. What an utterly boring life I lead. I wish I could sleep away my entire life.
I wonder if there's a sci-fi novel where urbanites become so accustomed to sterile environments over generations and society ends up forming a kind of biological segregation. I'm sure it exists somewhere, if not on websites like ao3/wattpad.
I sent a song to someone and asked if they like this song like a minute before he posted how sad something makes him feel. Bad, *bad* timing.
It seems like I forgot practically everything I knew about web stuff over the years.
I am basically human scum, or what Internet people would call a jew, even though I'm not jewish. I have never spent a single cent on the Internet because I'm scared of polluting my credit card history and well, I like free stuff. I am probably making myself into a laughingstock by saying all these things on the Internet.
You know how this guy with tourettes shouted the word nigger on stage. I am terrified of doing something like that. What if all my actions are somehow not things I intended to do? What if I'm in this fugue state and I'm doing something completely different in the "real" real world? Obviously, this is implausible, but like that Japanese artist who found out he was colorblind because he drew a girl green, even minor differences in reality perception scare me.
Have I told you how much I hate Asian Americans? They give me the ick. Whether it's insufferable proud asians like filipinos or self-loathers like koreans, they just piss me off. I could go on a pedantic spiel on how they embody all the worst traits of migrants, but I'm just gonna be succinct and say they're annoying.
People overdependent on AI, i.e., people who lack critical thinking skills (let's call it mental volition), seem to kinda reveal how humans at their base level operate similarly to machine learning (idk im not an expert). Maybe we should call those people biolalamos or something.
The weather is so hot. It's probably not that hot actually, but I can't stand even mildly warm weathers.
Every single male member of my family died from heart problems. It is paramount that I do not become an exception by consuming copious amounts of energy drinks and nicotine.
#1 said he isn't feeling any better but his mother noticed some changes. It takes a while for patients to notice changes themselves.
Working with math-heavy code makes me realize most programming languages weren't really made for math. Mathematica looks nice.
2/25/26
I only slept for 5 hours. I'm trying to purposefully fuck my sleep schedule up because I'm annoyed by how I always wake up at 8am without an alarm clock. This doesn't sound like a bad thing until you want a flexible sleep schedule. Sometime last year my circadian clock decided wakey wakey time will be 8am sharp for no particular reason and I haven't missed a day since.
Recently I've been developing a kind of strange narcissism alongside my self hate, and they conflict with each other now. I suggested someone doing a high-performance online programming leaderboard thing of which the task was to add a bunch of numbers from stdint, to not parse the numbers and operate on them directly then horizontally add the numbers every n cycle where n is the minimum count of cycles where a lane can overflow in a simd register. He did some LLM prompting with my idea and it made his code 4x faster. Something as basic as this gave me a massive ego boost, it really shouldn't.
Hey look at what 7zip tells me after it archives a file. neat.
Files read from disk: 8295
Archive size: 373139597 bytes (356 MiB)
Everything is Ok
I want to be put on an SSRI again for the sole purpose of desensitizing myself to my mundane, meager life.
I should normally be taking a nap right now. I finally bought a domain, ataxia.moe. I don't really think it's a good TLD, I like the name though so whatever. If you add "ra" in the middle it becomes ataraxia, which is this greek philosophy thing I don't quite remember.
Calculating sexagenary months is excruciating, whereas days are the simplest and years are relatively hassle-less. I made a function that uses the chinese remainder theorem to get the position in the 干支 cycle when the 干 and 支 numbers are separately given. I don't like maths. I ran some calculations and the function should be 6a-5b. Better than iteration I guess. I can't believe my introduction to number theory is calculating ancient Chinese dates.
I just heard the 67 meme in real life for the first time. I think I might be losing my fucking mind.
2/24/26
I for some reason decided it was a good idea to drink before sleeping. I am very weak to alcohol and I get very easily hammered (which is a good thing, I save money), but I drank a bit more than I should've and now I'm paying the price. I'll probably spend most of the day sleeping.
I'm not sure if I like the thought process of people who oppose free software like Linux being used in war machines(https://j3s.sh/thought/drones-run-linux-free-software-isnt-enough.html). Well, the commonly used counterargument that computers are war machines is weak, as technology gets repurposed all the time for better or worse. But, I also don't think militaries shouldn't be able to use free software for their war machines. I guess the 2 main points in such a claim is that 1) developing software that gets misused puts moral pressure on you and 2) war is bad. 2) is not something I am qualified to talk about so let's focus on 1). Does developing software that aids killing people make you an immoral person. If you're developing guide systems or code that deals with firearms, I'm sure that is somewhat true. I don't believe making an operating system or something noncritical that gets used by them as 3rd party software would count. Legality is based on morality and waiving legal responsibilities for use or abuse of software as stated in free software licenses basically implies that you believe that the misuse of your software is not your fault. Of course, the point of people who want stronger guarantees for free software licenses to not be used for "evil" (of which the definition is extremely ambiguous. defense technology can be both seen as good or evil), believe that misuse *is* their fault, even if it is indirect. I wrote a whole bunch of nothing, there is no answer to this kind of question nor is it legally enforceable. I guess the best course of action if you want to actually enforce it is to give law courses to stem people and threaten unemployment for abuse of their software.
I found a really good place in some random building's storage space with used chairs and desks and stuff. I snuck into one of the businesses and read their wifi password but was caught. I managed to weasel my way out with words.
I haven't read a book in ages. The latest one was I think Adventures of Ideas by Alfred North Whitehead. It's not that I lack the attention span to read books, I expect something ass-shattering whenever I read books and obviously don't find anything that interesting and seek out new books less. I really need to read more literature. I think people who disregard the importance of literature are genuinely fucking stupid, but I'm no different from them in practice. I foolishly thought a few months ago I'd be able to translate literature from my native language into English because I was very dissatisfied with how the most read English translation was. If I don't have a firm grasp on preëxisting literature my results aren't going to be any better.
#5 purposefully locked himself out of Discord and decided he's going to leave the Internet for real. I'm not sure how he's going to come back. I tried to get him to send me the latest copy of his very technologically impressive game but he decided it's a sin to use the Internet. He pisses me off.
#2 seems mildly annoyed at me. It's like trying to walk on thin ice.
2/23/26
I woke up (I forgot what I was writing here)
I feel ok but it's annoying that I'm here. I spent like 10 minutes trying to find an optimal way to cut an apple. My conclusions were you can't be conservative with the core if you want good looking slices.
I realized I don't really have to precalculate all the individual solar terms (https://iwillneverbehappy.neocities.org/site/journal (tuffest site on neocities btw, check it out)). I just need to "子丑寅卯辰巳午未..."[floor(angle/15)] (EDIT: its a bit more complicated than that) and check if the remainder is less than 1 or bigger than 14, then check if it's a solar term date. This has the problem of needing to run calculations for every day, but it's more elegant.
More about that neocities website, it seems to be a Korean-American(?) woman living in America with a Chinese boyfriend, who majors in math/CS and uses emacs. What a specimen (no negative or positive connotations implied).
I wish I had enough time to actually work on stuff instead of just writing fragments of my thoughts in my diary.
I remember back in school I told a teacher I'll kill myself if he continued to pressure me about an issue I don't remember now. He reacted like I'd threatened to kill the president or something, I later found out that his ex threatened to kill herself repeatedly and that's apparently a trauma he has. I can understand why but I fail to accept it. This is me with a lot of things, I understand their thought processes but I refuse to accept them as valid. I'm not sure if it's a healthy way to deal with conflicting opinions.
2/22/26
I got incredibly vivid dreams as I always do whenever I take Benadryl for sleep. I dreamt of being in school and the group chat had my Internet username in it so I freaked out. Also I dreamt of some facility kind of thing where I kept running from something and tried making meth. I failed because I couldn't find phosphorus.
I am not entirely sure if #1 is feeling any better. My curiosity isn't piqued enough to ask him yet.
I found this thing that implements solar terms quite nicely but I can't figure out the math. It works so I'm not going to complain.
2/21/26
I am feeling absolutely awful today. I didn't really get enough sleep.
I am going to take some Benadryl to force myself to sleep.
2/20/26
I didn't sleep until 4am. Somehow I thought that would be a good idea. Anyways I have a pretty fun idea in my mind and it doesn't seem too unreasonable. Basically since ngn/k builds to wasm, and also builds with cosmo, I can use Cloudflare Workers to host my website AND use cosmo's zip thing (basically it allows you to access a virtual directory /zip/ where it can access embedded files as cosmopolitan binaries are zip files (yes they are)) to circumvent ngn/k's godawful ffi and make a server-side binary if I hit the limit.
2/19/26
I forgot today is also the next solar term. 雨水 is when spring finally really starts in the Sinosphere and the ice thaws out (well idk about Vietnam, it's always hot there). Well, technically at UTC+8 (the base timezone for solar terms, i.e., Beijing time) it was on around 23:47 2/18/26, but it's too late at night for me to consider 2/18 as 雨水 (EDIT: i know the backend calculated 2/18 as 雨水 because it floor()s the date but no im not gonna fix it).
#4 is writing a window manager and I was surprised they were able to whip up a semi-working prototype so quickly. To be fair I haven't tinkered with DWM or any graphics stuff so I don't know much about that.
Humans are more sophisticated than animals (derogatory). I think the main problem with astrology and stuff is that it's digital. If we do presuppose that your birth hour will have an impact on your life due to the alignment of the stars and planets, you can't just divide it into 12 by whatever number of stars western astrology takes into account. Chinese astrology (well, specifically 四柱. 紫微斗數 is like western astrology but 1000x more complicated) divides your birth time into 4 "pillars" that being the 60-element sexagenary cycle. Yes that's related to how I date my journal entries. 四柱 is extremely complicated because they have a million different ways on how to interpret things. I will write more about this later. I don't actually believe in it but it's fun because it's like a puzzle with no answer.
I am not feeling good today. I probably didn't get enough sleep. Unfortunately my mental state is directly correlated to my sleep duration.
I got k(https://codeberg.org/growler/k) to build with cosmopolitan libc. This is lit. I had to add a header and tweak the makefile a bit though. Other than that I didn't have to modify the source at all.
2/18/26
Today marks the end of the current sexagenary cycle, tomorrow will be 甲子日, i.e., a new cycle. This doesn't mean anything, but yeah.
#3 was feeling melancholic today. I don't know how to cheer people up. I don't know what the optimal dose or dosing timing for caffeinated beverages is. Maybe I should drink them a bit earlier in the morning so I don't wake up feeling like I've run a marathon.
This guy I talk to somehow completely lacks the capability to self-reflect. It's almost like talking to a child.
"The problem with" is such a common prose among programmers. I almost have never seen programmers say something positive. I should write a blogpost on my LLVM patch that was merged into LLVM 21.1.0. I'm still angry that GitHub decided to hide my pull request from public view so I can't really verify that it's my commit or even what happened in the pull request.
I sometimes wonder where I would've ended up had I started programming since childhood instead of grade 11. Most people I've seen started doing computer stuff when they were like 10 or something. I still remember getting VAC banned in CS:GO after I downloaded a cheat that didn't even work and infected my computer with a million viruses. This somehow didn't lead to me being interested in computers but rather installing MalwareBytes and calling it a day. I don't remember why I started programming, it's probably because I discovered tech forums at the overripe old age of 17 and wanted to look cool.
The word neurodivergence is too gerrymandered to convey anything. I'd like to draw the line of "acceptable" neurodivergence at kanner syndrome (i.e., around level 3 in the autism spectrum). If you have had to care for these people you will understand. And no, even if you've been diagnosed with autism, if you can read and understand this text, you are not this severe (there are edge cases).
I found this really cool Lithuanian guy who posts about Lithuanian, Latvian and Proto-Indo-European stuff related to them on Twitter. I need to implement https://ytliu0.github.io/ChineseCalendar/docs/sunMoon.pdf so I can finally have my own website. I have enough balance on my hosting provider and registrar accounts that someone gave me (I haven't used them in a long time).
2/17/26
I don't feel as good as yesterday but it's still pretty chill. I didn't exactly have the best night's sleep today. I forgot yesterday was Lithuania's restoration day. Unfortunately it won't coincide with Chinese New Year after last coinciding in 2018 for a while (I'm talking centuries). It's only a day apart this year. Yes, that's right. Today is Chinese New Year. May whatever confucian chinese deity bless you with 福.
I spent like half the day trying to get distcc on windows working. Well guess what. It's a pain in the ass if you want to use another platform as your slave machine.
I first tried WSL on my local network and I almost got it working but it was erring out so I thought it was a network issue (it wasn't (wsl relies on svchost network access for port forwarding btw, watch out simplewall users)).
Then I spent an hour or two trying to get this shit working on cygwin with crosstools-ng. Well that didn't work either because you couldn't build gcc with plugin support with the default cygwin gcc package (crosstools-ng takes a monstrously long time btw, and their CDN URLs are outd8ed).
Also while doing this I learned that there's an option on Windows to make NTFS case-sensitive, set HKLM\SYSTEM\CurrentControlSet\Control\Session Manager\kernel\obcaseinsensitive to 0.
Then I just decided I'll make it listen on an yggdrasil node instead, and the problem with compilation errors still persisted. I then realized that my GCC versions were mismatched, so I had to update Ubuntu on my WSL to 25.10 as my host uses Arch (I need to switch). Well now it actually worked. There was another problem on my Linux master machine which was it kept giving me this error: `Include server not covering: Could not find translation unit`. Apparently this is an issue with distcc itself (https://github.com/distcc/distcc/issues/516), and I had to patch it to use Python's default os.path.isfile instead of their custom routine that didn't work. The patch is to change `_OsPathIsFile = distcc_pump_c_extensions.OsPathIsFile` in https://github.com/distcc/distcc/blob/b83dd2e5450c9526e5e2bb2c8bb1e6e425ae7498/include_server/cache_basics.py (would be /usr/lib/python/site-packages/include_server/cache_basics.py when installed) to `_OsPathIsFile = os.path.isfile`. distcc on Ubuntu 25.10 also had weird issues like the systemd service being weird so I had to delete the systemd service to force it to use the sysv service.
`cmake -DCMAKE_C_COMPILER_LAUNCHER=distcc -DCMAKE_CXX_COMPILER_LAUNCHER=distcc` is needed for CMake. Archwiki has all the documentation you need for distcc. This whole ordeal took away 6 hours from my life.
Someone told me that thinking someone did something because of you when its most likely not is the most selfish thing ever. I never thought of it like that, he has a point.
When you live your life like there's no tomorrow, there tends to actually be a tomorrow. As a result, I'm missing a large portion of my yesterday and the entirety of the year [redacted]. (This is a Will Wood reference btw)
I need to open an issue to Mullvad so that they can let me add custom subnets (`200::/7` in my case) to their local network sharing feature. Maybe I should also either try fixing that piece of shit distcc or make it use the builtin thing. (Also crosstools-ng but I don't but whatever dude). GitHub hates me so idk.
I just found out that the Mullvad VPN GUI uses Electron. I feel sexually assaulted. After digging through a million fucking files I found out that add_allow_lan_rules is what adds nftables rules to allow LAN CIDRs. Adding an option to add custom subnets would be a huge fucking pain in the ass. So for now I'll just have to write a script that adds 200::/7 to the chains.
I just finished setting up gitolite for #3 and it's annoying as shit. The key here is reading the manual and ~/.gitolite.rc.
I tried this thing called OpenCode which lets me use a free Chinese LLM to do stuff but I hit a rate limit after it used 100k tokens (idk what a token is) on like two queries and it told me to wait 10 hours. I'm not using it again.
2/16/26
I am feeling pretty good today. The weather is great, I don't feel awful and drained. The air is crisp and refreshing. I have a bit of a headache from this Monster but all is well. I feel like my emotions are "numbed" but this is most definitely due to my emotions being less intense for the time being.
Apparently nicotine abstinence increases the area under the curve (AUC) of caffeine pharmacokinetics by 46% (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/3365914/). Caffeine follows first-order kinetics, so the dosage of caffeine after a certain amount of time, if we take into account that caffeine's half-life is usually around 6 hours in adults, it would be DOSE/2^(t/6) (I came up with this intuitively but didn't know if it was actually the correct one so I copied the rate equation for first-order reactions from wikipedia and pasted into wolframalpha. I am too dumb for differential equations or whatever). So if we plug Solve[Integrate[2^(-(t/6)), {t, 0, 24}] == (146/100) Integrate[2^(-(t/x)), {t, 0, 24}], x] into WolframAlpha we get the approximation 3.90812. The paper didn't specify how much the smokers smoked and such as it's hard to quantify nicotine consumption, so let's just say the half-life will decrease to about 4 hours on average.
#2 still doesn't really want to talk to me.
I forgot to write about #1. He told me he's going to take it only twice a week. Cariprazine has a ridiculously long half-life (well not as long as amiodarone or prozac) so this does work.
I only watched the endless eight episodes of The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi in contrary to a lot of people who skipped them. As such I have no grasp of the plot. I guess it's about "what if God was one of us?" or something. idc. I don't like stories that are too detached from reality. I watched it like 4 years ago.
2/15/26
I went to sleep at 1am and woke up at 3am. I couldn't go back to sleep so I took a shower and watched a bit of Welcome To The NHK but I couldn't watch it due to second hand embarrassment. Then I went to sleep again at 7am and woke up at 8am.
2/14/26
This is beautiful: https://vivarism.neocities.org/diary/24/februaryx
The question of "Why am I me?" has plagued me ever since I was a little child. This is different from "Why am I myself?" of which the answer is clear: I am myself because I did the things that lead to the me that is here typing this. But... why am I *me* specifically? I'm using me instead of myself like how we use "him" and "her"; "Why is she her?" instead of "Why is she herself?" and so on. So why *am* I me? Well, the scientific explanation is that I developed consciousness as my brain was developing and that has created a unique sense of self that my brain perceives. But I just don't like this. I don't like it. I don't like it. Something's missing but I don't know what is.
Dude. This shit is lit. So basically theres this formula of calcul8ing the day of the week (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Determination_of_the_day_of_the_week#Disparate_variation), if you wanna use it in your C code you'd have to do this:
int dow(int y, int m, int d) {
int Y = y - (m <= 2), y2 = Y%100, c = Y/100;
m += 9; m -= 12 * (m >= 12); // we can do this because __builtin_assume(m + 9 < 24)
return (d + (26*(m + 1) - 2)/10 + y2 + y2/4 + c/4 - 2*c) % 7;
}
2/12/26
Ok, I just read an incredible study on how Vitamin C megadoses can alleviate opioid withdrawals almost entirely (https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7572147/). They have this regimen of taking 2g of vitamin C every 2 hours (this can vary). The article mentions a woman who was taking 1800mg of morphine and 300mg of fentanyl and this is hard to believe. I guess the fentanyl was cut but seriously? It'd still be way over the LD100.
