path: root/assets/_/diary

3/3/26

They released a new flavor of Monster here. It tastes like shit and its only redeeming factor is its quirkchungus can design.

I can't help but notice Nagato Yuki from Suzumiya Haruhi's Melancholy looks like my mom. I hate Freud so much.

I need to improve my cursive, it looks more like shorthand writing than normal text to me though I can read it just fine myself. My pen almost ran out of ink.

I have a crackpot theory I'm too scared to share with people who are actually knowledgeable about this topic but here it goes: a few months back I saw a Reddit post being posted on Twitter where an MtF individual reported lack of gender dysphoria after starting tirzepatide. The user didn't seem unauthentic but it struck me as very odd and people were saying how gender dysphoria is a mental disorder (it is as per the DSM-5, but you get the undertone) and it's all fake. I did talk to a leading figure on transsexual endocrinology about this and she had an acquaintance who was going to start taking tirzepatide for weight cycling and will monitor the results. That was my previous Internet identity and I haven't bothered to ask for a followup, as I expected it to not have that psychological outcome, but here's the deal: I remembered today GLP-1 agonists target reward pathways related to dopamine, and additionally show some mood stabilizing benefits (you can google the papers, theyre everywhere). What this means is that the OP of the Reddit post in question had a subset of gender dysphoria where it bordered on an obsession for gender transitioning and/or stemmed from a mood disorder, and tirzepatide alleviated the ailments (im implying other gender dysphorics may not fit this criteria for gender dysphoria). I feel like this is too unpolished and unsubstantiated of a theory for me to tell anyone who knows stuff about endocrinology about it.

I still regret not knowing much about low-level programming when I got to try out Elbrus-8SV CPUs because I would have so much fun with them today had MCST not collapsed after the Russo-Ukrainian war broke out and (this is my speculation) funding ran out. Their e-mail address is defunct too.

The lunar eclipse that happened on 11:04 UTC was underwhelming and dim. It was quite the disappointment.

I feel so sad I want to cry. Whenever my eyes tear up I get immediately embarrassed and stop, almost instinctively.

3/2/26

I think dying well is quite overlooked in modern society. Ignoring the morass of whishy washy live laugh love New York Times opinion letters, you can't die well without living well. In East Asian culture people become ghosts when they die if they become obsessed with something they haven't done in their life, for example a new parent would become a ghost if their last thoughts in a car accident were "I can't leave my child behind". I guess scenarios like this aren't really alterable, they couldn't accelerate the growth of their child when they were still alive. But you get the general idea of it, the chances of you dying early is quite rare but you're still going to have to face it one day. You won't be able to do everything, but most people rarely ever do even one thing they truly want to do and spend the rest of their retired lives sitting on their ass watching TV because they're too sick to walk. I don't think you want that. I saw someone saying such considerations are first-world problems when people are dying due to war. If that's what you think then donate to charity. Fly out there and help people to your heart's content. None of these people do anything outside of concern trolling. Health is also very underappreciated, many people think they can just consume and do everything they want to then randomly drop dead from a heart attack at 30 or something, but the process of dying from metabolic disorders is a long deteriorative process you do not want to experience. Suicide isn't so easy either.

I know a few people I'd like to copy their entire set of memories and knowledge due to their sheer knowledgeability. #8 (who disappointingly cut contact with me <a class="splink" href="https://telegram.org/faq#q-can-i-hide-my-last-seen-time">a long time ago</a>) and #9 have so much 2nd hand insider knowledge and and contacts that I'd like to dump their entire brains' contents and copy it to myself somehow (ill put their brains back in place ofc). Frustratingly this is not possible yet.

Today was of such monumental inactivity that I can't really think of anything to write down. I think Cloudflare would be a very fun company to work for.

3/1/26

It's already March. Unfuckingbelievable. My abusive relationship with Ms. Time will not cease my obituary is issued. There are still 4 days until it's the next solar term (驚蟄, lit. Awakening of Insects (oh no)) and subsequently 辛卯月. Whoever is peering back at me from inside the mirror looks like a dried up tapeworm egg.

Whatever events happening in other parts of the world are the least of my concerns. I'll probably be doing my own stuff even if I have to live inside a bunker.

I was reading about phenytoin again (one of my favorite medications because of how awful it is) and apparently there was this guy called Jack Dreyfus who was prescribed phenytoin (Dilantin, an anticonvulsant) for his depression and it worked so well he wrote an autobiography dedicated to it(https://z-lib.fm/book/R0P5R6dqg9/dilantin-a-remarkable-medicine-has-been-overlooked.html). The book is a fun read but this struck me as very odd. Phenytoin is not a good medication and has a laundry list of side effects, many of which can be serious. Reading the biography it seems more like he had a kind of latent epilepsy where it didn't quite lead to seizures, rather than major depressive disorder. Quoth:
<i>
...without instruction from me, my brain went into its files and came up with three experiences I'd had with electricity. 
..
I continued with my hypothesis and said, "And some people have an electrical explosion which we call epilepsy." Max said, "It's curious that you mention epilepsy. We know from brain wave tests that the epileptic has a problem with his body electricity." 
..
She had been given a medicine for her epilepsy and I asked Dr. Silbermann what it was. He told me it was Dilantin.
</i>
What's interesting though is he got a few of his neurotic acquaintances and prisoners to try it out too and it worked every time, which confuses me: yes, anticonvulsants reduce brain activity (which he calls body electricity), but it has a very high incidence of causing mood *instability* rather than stabilization. However his story, and some digging in psychiatrist.com, seems to suggest it could be a very mixed bag. I just remembered anticonvulsants like levetiracetam and valproate (the latter of which is approved for bipolar disorder, as a matter of fact) can also cause mood swings. Ok, the confusion is all cleared up now. He could very well may have gone on valproate or some other sodium channel blocking anticonvulsant and gotten the same effect. How did I forget how unpredictable psychiatric medications are?

This is only tangentially related but I remember being on an anticonvulsant, valproate, for a while due to the psychiatrist I was seeing at the time trying everything out on me (none of them worked and I'm not on anything right now). It did literally nothing except when I didn't take it, which made me extremely neurotic and hypersensitive to stimuli (i mean obviously so).

I'm going to have to rewrite my website in Rust instead because currently it's a sad looking concoction of bad Javascript and hacks to avoid the WASM FFI and memory management (you can't free memory in WASM, wtf). This just isn't sustainable.

You gotta watch this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1fZTOjd_bOQ He makes some great points, though ends on a low note. One really important thing he said is that UI isn't just about shiny textures. You need that workflow that feels natural and stuff. Most people don't understand this and think good UI just means eye candy.

I was too lazy to silently delete my messages off a dead Discord friendgroup I no longer wished to associate with and deleted entire channels from it. I did notify one member who went to retrieve something he posted but found out it was deleted a while ago anyway. I don't think this is necessarily a good thing to do but it's not really my problem. Maybe you shouldn't give someone rights if you don't want them to use it.

2/28/26

I slept 7 hours but I feel groggy. I guess the shitpit will double as a sleep tracker.

Twitter's compose box forces me into a headspace wherein I can only converse monotonically and I find it hard to talk casually about random stuff there. On the shitpit I am free from those mental restrictions, well it's a shit pit. You're not supposed to expect anything.

I just wasted half an hour of my life trying to explain to someone that his idea for an omegle text(?) clone can easily be implemented by modifying existing IRC client/servers out there and adding maybe a feature or two. The amusing dynamic involved in this conversation was he believes himself to be mentally deficient and cites his supposedly double digit IQ(or as i like to call it Insufficient &amp; Questionable, i should write more about this l8r) for that, but he got very defensive and said I was retarded and moving the goalposts (i wasnt) when I kept reëxplaining the chat protocol he was describing ad-hoc was indeed Internet Relay Chat. I guess this is a kind of projection? He then realized I was correct and said I was brilliant, then said he wasn't going to do what I said and will vibecode it from scratch instead. Are you fucking kidding me. Please take the time to think things through before you decide it's something worth arguing about. (actually i think i do too much of this, i rethink my opinions a dozen times to valid8 them &amp; as such i find conversing on opinion8ed topics a bit difficult)

Don't you think hands look really weird? I'm using two of them to type this out right now and I can't stop being weirded out at how strange they look. They are incredibly versatile and useful, don't get me wrong, but the way the phalanges move around attached to the metacarpals feels very odd.

The fragments that my life is consisted of are too strewn about on the side of the bell curve for me to understand what normality is. Even relatively minor(maybe an understatement) differences like a 22 year old university freshman and an 18 year old freshman will cause these two to experience university completely differently even if they enroll in the same courses and have the same friends solely due to differences in their mental age. Now imagine going completely off track at every single road in your life. That's how I've lived so far and I'm getting tired of it.

I'm too tired to write anything more for today.

2/27/26

I keep getting nosebleeds. Mr. Yaweh made me a guy but decided I'll lose a period's worth of blood (60mL quoth Google, idk) through my nose every single day (I've lost 100mL on bad days), like what's the point. Surprisingly I am not anemic.

I used to dislike webfonts until I found out you can strip out unwanted characters in a woff file with subset-font(https://www.npmjs.com/package/subset-font). The Chinese font I use for ataxia.moe is only 15kb thanks to it.

I showed my website to a few people and the reviews were mostly positive. I really like how it looks.

Did you know the dollar sign $ used to be written as 弗 in Japan and Korea because they look similar. Look, the oracle bone script for 弗 looks exactly the same as $: <br><picture><source srcset="/_/dollardark.svg" media="(prefers-color-scheme: dark)" /><img src="/_/dollar.svg" decoding="async" width="100" height="100" /></picture> (from https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/File:弗-oracle.svg)

Some Internets have <a class="splink" href="https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=47136325">voiced discontent</a> at how powerful CSS is nowadays and I think they are looking at this the wrong way. Countless unpaid Google intern hours have been put into optimizing JavaScript engines and browsers still fail to deliver adequate performance. CSS at the design level will be faster than JavaScript (I don't have to explain this (yes there are edge cases (i still miss asm.js))), I'll take a CSS-heavy website over a JS-heavy website any day of the week. I saw a few posts on Twitter claiming that this was all a mistake, quoth <i>"[snip]...exemplifies how fucked the modern web standards are at this point. They legitimately need to purge the whole thing and start again."</i>. This kind of Internet re{volu,act}ionary rhetoric tires me; these people should at the bare minimum make a <a class="splink" href="https://geminiprotocol.net/">Gemini</a> and fail to gain any sort of traction outside of a few hundred points on Uber For Computer Narcissism (I mean "Hacker" "News" (this is hyperbole, im guilty of posting there too)). Listen, I'm not saying alternative efforts are completely worthless. Many historical movements started from seemingly futile movements. But in tech, grifts or toy projects are quite easy to spot.

The night sky is ominously clear. I can see the stars with little difficulty.

Yes I'm still waking up at 8am for whatever reason. This ain't working. I slept 3(!) hours today and I feel okay. Something is gravely wrong with me.

I like My Chemical Romance but their lyrics are so fucking gay. Teenagers is a very jazzy song if you listen closely. <a class="splink" href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TY5Hq_5FbT0">Another Space Song</a> by Failure remains the undefeated champion of rock.

2/26/26

The 3 5-hour sleep days have finally caught up to me. I slept for an additional 4 hours totaling 9. What an utterly boring life I lead. I wish I could sleep away my entire life.

I wonder if there's a sci-fi novel where urbanites become so accustomed to sterile environments over generations and society ends up forming a kind of biological segregation. I'm sure it exists somewhere, if not on websites like ao3/wattpad.

I sent a song to someone and asked if they like this song like a minute before he posted how sad something makes him feel. Bad, *bad* timing.

It seems like I forgot practically everything I knew about web stuff over the years.

I am basically human scum, or what Internet people would call a jew, even though I'm not jewish. I have never spent a single cent on the Internet because I'm scared of polluting my credit card history and well, I like free stuff. I am probably making myself into a laughingstock by saying all these things on the Internet.

You know how this guy with tourettes shouted the word nigger on stage. I am terrified of doing something like that. What if all my actions are somehow not things I intended to do? What if I'm in this fugue state and I'm doing something completely different in the "real" real world? Obviously, this is implausible, but like that Japanese artist who found out he was colorblind because he drew a girl green, even minor differences in reality perception scare me.

Have I told you how much I hate Asian Americans? They give me the ick. Whether it's insufferable proud asians like filipinos or self-loathers like koreans, they just piss me off. I could go on a pedantic spiel on how they embody all the worst traits of migrants, but I'm just gonna be succinct and say they're annoying.

People overdependent on AI, i.e., people who lack critical thinking skills (let's call it mental volition), seem to kinda reveal how humans at their base level operate similarly to machine learning (idk im not an expert). Maybe we should call those people biolalamos or something.

The weather is so hot. It's probably not that hot actually, but I can't stand even mildly warm weathers.

Every single male member of my family died from heart problems. It is paramount that I do not become an exception by consuming copious amounts of energy drinks and nicotine.

#1 said he isn't feeling any better but his mother noticed some changes. It takes a while for patients to notice changes themselves.

Working with math-heavy code makes me realize most programming languages weren't really made for math. Mathematica looks nice.

2/25/26

I only slept for 5 hours. I'm trying to purposefully fuck my sleep schedule up because I'm annoyed by how I always wake up at 8am without an alarm clock. This doesn't sound like a bad thing until you want a flexible sleep schedule. Sometime last year my circadian clock decided wakey wakey time will be 8am sharp for no particular reason and I haven't missed a day since.

I remember actually experiencing "major depression" last year. It was when [i dont want to share this]. I basically slept for the entire day and didn't get out of bed for two weeks unless I had to take care of basic physiological needs. I lost around 7kg of weight and found things I genuinely enjoyed doing utterly worthless and boring. Fortunately or unfortunately I've been able to get out of bed after that and do things I used to enjoy again, and went back to my usual self-loathing cycle. Recently I've been developing a kind of strange narcissism alongside my self hate, and they conflict with each other now. I suggested someone doing a high-performance online programming leaderboard thing of which the task was to add a bunch of numbers from stdint, to not parse the numbers and operate on them directly then horizontally add the numbers every n cycle where n is the minimum count of cycles where a lane can overflow in a simd register. He did some LLM prompting with my idea and it made his code 4x faster. Something as basic as this gave me a massive ego boost, it really shouldn't.

Hey look at what 7zip tells me after it archives a file. neat.

Files read from disk: 8295
Archive size: 373139597 bytes (356 MiB)
Everything is Ok

I want to be put on an SSRI again for the sole purpose of desensitizing myself to my mundane, meager life.

I should normally be taking a nap right now. I finally bought a domain, ataxia.moe. I don't really think it's a good TLD, I like the name though so whatever. If you add "ra" in the middle it becomes ataraxia, which is this greek philosophy thing I don't quite remember.

Calculating sexagenary months is excruciating, whereas days are the simplest and years are relatively hassle-less. I made a function that uses the chinese remainder theorem to get the position in the 干支 cycle when the 干 and 支 numbers are separately given. I don't like maths. I ran some calculations and the function should be 6a-5b. Better than iteration I guess. I can't believe my introduction to number theory is calculating ancient Chinese dates.

I just heard the 67 meme in real life for the first time. I think I might be losing my fucking mind.

2/24/26

I for some reason decided it was a good idea to drink before sleeping. I am very weak to alcohol and I get very easily hammered (which is a good thing, I save money), but I drank a bit more than I should've and now I'm paying the price. I'll probably spend most of the day sleeping.

I'm not sure if I like the thought process of people who oppose free software like Linux being used in war machines(https://j3s.sh/thought/drones-run-linux-free-software-isnt-enough.html). Well, the commonly used counterargument that computers are war machines is weak, as technology gets repurposed all the time for better or worse. But, I also don't think militaries shouldn't be able to use free software for their war machines. I guess the 2 main points in such a claim is that 1) developing software that gets misused puts moral pressure on you and 2) war is bad. 2) is not something I am qualified to talk about so let's focus on 1). Does developing software that aids killing people make you an immoral person. If you're developing guide systems or code that deals with firearms, I'm sure that is somewhat true. I don't believe making an operating system or something noncritical that gets used by them as 3rd party software would count. Legality is based on morality and waiving legal responsibilities for use or abuse of software as stated in free software licenses basically implies that you believe that the misuse of your software is not your fault. Of course, the point of people who want stronger guarantees for free software licenses to not be used for "evil" (of which the definition is extremely ambiguous. defense technology can be both seen as good or evil), believe that misuse *is* their fault, even if it is indirect. I wrote a whole bunch of nothing, there is no answer to this kind of question nor is it legally enforceable. I guess the best course of action if you want to actually enforce it is to give law courses to stem people and threaten unemployment for abuse of their software.

I found a really good place in some random building's storage space with used chairs and desks and stuff. I snuck into one of the businesses and read their wifi password but was caught. I managed to weasel my way out with words.

I haven't read a book in ages. The latest one was I think Adventures of Ideas by Alfred North Whitehead. It's not that I lack the attention span to read books, I expect something ass-shattering whenever I read books and obviously don't find anything that interesting and seek out new books less. I really need to read more literature. I think people who disregard the importance of literature are genuinely fucking stupid, but I'm no different from them in practice. I foolishly thought a few months ago I'd be able to translate literature from my native language into English because I was very dissatisfied with how the most read English translation was. If I don't have a firm grasp on preëxisting literature my results aren't going to be any better.

#5 purposefully locked himself out of Discord and decided he's going to leave the Internet for real. I'm not sure how he's going to come back. I tried to get him to send me the latest copy of his very technologically impressive game but he decided it's a sin to use the Internet. He pisses me off.

#2 seems mildly annoyed at me. It's like trying to walk on thin ice.

2/23/26

I woke up (I forgot what I was writing here)

I feel ok but it's annoying that I'm here. I spent like 10 minutes trying to find an optimal way to cut an apple. My conclusions were you can't be conservative with the core if you want good looking slices.

I realized I don't really have to precalculate all the individual solar terms (https://iwillneverbehappy.neocities.org/site/journal (tuffest site on neocities btw, check it out)). I just need to "子丑寅卯辰巳午未..."[floor(angle/15)] (EDIT: its a bit more complicated than that) and check if the remainder is less than 1 or bigger than 14, then check if it's a solar term date. This has the problem of needing to run calculations for every day, but it's more elegant.

More about that neocities website, it seems to be a Korean-American(?) woman living in America with a Chinese boyfriend, who majors in math/CS and uses emacs. What a specimen (no negative or positive connotations implied).

I wish I had enough time to actually work on stuff instead of just writing fragments of my thoughts in my diary.

I remember back in school I told a teacher I'll kill myself if he continued to pressure me about an issue I don't remember now. He reacted like I'd threatened to kill the president or something, I later found out that his ex threatened to kill herself repeatedly and that's apparently a trauma he has. I can understand why but I fail to accept it. This is me with a lot of things, I understand their thought processes but I refuse to accept them as valid. I'm not sure if it's a healthy way to deal with conflicting opinions.

2/22/26

I got incredibly vivid dreams as I always do whenever I take Benadryl for sleep. I dreamt of being in school and the group chat had my Internet username in it so I freaked out. Also I dreamt of some facility kind of thing where I kept running from something and tried making meth. I failed because I couldn't find phosphorus.

I am not entirely sure if #1 is feeling any better. My curiosity isn't piqued enough to ask him yet.

I found this thing that implements solar terms quite nicely but I can't figure out the math. It works so I'm not going to complain.

2/21/26

I am feeling absolutely awful today. I didn't really get enough sleep.

I am going to take some Benadryl to force myself to sleep.

2/20/26

I didn't sleep until 4am. Somehow I thought that would be a good idea. Anyways I have a pretty fun idea in my mind and it doesn't seem too unreasonable. Basically since ngn/k builds to wasm, and also builds with cosmo, I can use Cloudflare Workers to host my website AND use cosmo's zip thing (basically it allows you to access a virtual directory /zip/ where it can access embedded files as cosmopolitan binaries are zip files (yes they are)) to circumvent ngn/k's godawful ffi and make a server-side binary if I hit the limit.

2/19/26

I forgot today is also the next solar term. 雨水 is when spring finally really starts in the Sinosphere and the ice thaws out (well idk about Vietnam, it's always hot there). Well, technically at UTC+8 (the base timezone for solar terms, i.e., Beijing time) it was on around 23:47 2/18/26, but it's too late at night for me to consider 2/18 as 雨水 (EDIT: i know the backend calculated 2/18 as 雨水 because it floor()s the date but no im not gonna fix it).

#4 is writing a window manager and I was surprised they were able to whip up a semi-working prototype so quickly. To be fair I haven't tinkered with DWM or any graphics stuff so I don't know much about that.

Humans are more sophisticated than animals (derogatory). I think the main problem with astrology and stuff is that it's digital. If we do presuppose that your birth hour will have an impact on your life due to the alignment of the stars and planets, you can't just divide it into 12 by whatever number of stars western astrology takes into account. Chinese astrology (well, specifically 四柱. 紫微斗數 is like western astrology but 1000x more complicated) divides your birth time into 4 "pillars" that being the 60-element sexagenary cycle. Yes that's related to how I date my journal entries. 四柱 is extremely complicated because they have a million different ways on how to interpret things. I will write more about this later. I don't actually believe in it but it's fun because it's like a puzzle with no answer.

I am not feeling good today. I probably didn't get enough sleep. Unfortunately my mental state is directly correlated to my sleep duration.

I got k(https://codeberg.org/growler/k) to build with cosmopolitan libc. This is lit. I had to add a header and tweak the makefile a bit though. Other than that I didn't have to modify the source at all.

2/18/26

Today marks the end of the current sexagenary cycle, tomorrow will be 甲子日, i.e., a new cycle. This doesn't mean anything, but yeah. 

#3 was feeling melancholic today. I don't know how to cheer people up. I don't know what the optimal dose or dosing timing for caffeinated beverages is. Maybe I should drink them a bit earlier in the morning so I don't wake up feeling like I've run a marathon.

This guy I talk to somehow completely lacks the capability to self-reflect. It's almost like talking to a child.

"The problem with" is such a common prose among programmers. I almost have never seen programmers say something positive. I should write a blogpost on my LLVM patch that was merged into LLVM 21.1.0. I'm still angry that GitHub decided to hide my pull request from public view so I can't really verify that it's my commit or even what happened in the pull request.

I sometimes wonder where I would've ended up had I started programming since childhood instead of grade 11. Most people I've seen started doing computer stuff when they were like 10 or something. I still remember getting VAC banned in CS:GO after I downloaded a cheat that didn't even work and infected my computer with a million viruses. This somehow didn't lead to me being interested in computers but rather installing MalwareBytes and calling it a day. I don't remember why I started programming, it's probably because I discovered tech forums at the overripe old age of 17 and wanted to look cool.

The word neurodivergence is too gerrymandered to convey anything. I'd like to draw the line of "acceptable" neurodivergence at kanner syndrome (i.e., around level 3 in the autism spectrum). If you have had to care for these people you will understand. And no, even if you've been diagnosed with autism, if you can read and understand this text, you are not this severe (there are edge cases).

I found this really cool Lithuanian guy who posts about Lithuanian, Latvian and Proto-Indo-European stuff related to them on Twitter. I need to implement https://ytliu0.github.io/ChineseCalendar/docs/sunMoon.pdf so I can finally have my own website. I have enough balance on my hosting provider and registrar accounts that someone gave me (I haven't used them in a long time).

2/17/26

I don't feel as good as yesterday but it's still pretty chill. I didn't exactly have the best night's sleep today. I forgot yesterday was Lithuania's restoration day. Unfortunately it won't coincide with Chinese New Year after last coinciding in 2018 for a while (I'm talking centuries). It's only a day apart this year. Yes, that's right. Today is Chinese New Year. May whatever confucian chinese deity bless you with 福.

I spent like half the day trying to get distcc on windows working. Well guess what. It's a pain in the ass if you want to use another platform as your slave machine.

I first tried WSL on my local network and I almost got it working but it was erring out so I thought it was a network issue (it wasn't (wsl relies on svchost network access for port forwarding btw, watch out simplewall users)).

Then I spent an hour or two trying to get this shit working on cygwin with crosstools-ng. Well that didn't work either because you couldn't build gcc with plugin support with the default cygwin gcc package (crosstools-ng takes a monstrously long time btw, and their CDN URLs are outd8ed).

Also while doing this I learned that there's an option on Windows to make NTFS case-sensitive, set HKLM\SYSTEM\CurrentControlSet\Control\Session Manager\kernel\obcaseinsensitive to 0.

Then I just decided I'll make it listen on an yggdrasil node instead, and the problem with compilation errors still persisted. I then realized that my GCC versions were mismatched, so I had to update Ubuntu on my WSL to 25.10 as my host uses Arch (I need to switch). Well now it actually worked. There was another problem on my Linux master machine which was it kept giving me this error: `Include server not covering: Could not find translation unit`. Apparently this is an issue with distcc itself (https://github.com/distcc/distcc/issues/516), and I had to patch it to use Python's default os.path.isfile instead of their custom routine that didn't work. The patch is to change `_OsPathIsFile = distcc_pump_c_extensions.OsPathIsFile` in https://github.com/distcc/distcc/blob/b83dd2e5450c9526e5e2bb2c8bb1e6e425ae7498/include_server/cache_basics.py (would be /usr/lib/python<version>/site-packages/include_server/cache_basics.py when installed) to `_OsPathIsFile = os.path.isfile`. distcc on Ubuntu 25.10 also had weird issues like the systemd service being weird so I had to delete the systemd service to force it to use the sysv service.

`cmake -DCMAKE_C_COMPILER_LAUNCHER=distcc -DCMAKE_CXX_COMPILER_LAUNCHER=distcc` is needed for CMake. Archwiki has all the documentation you need for distcc. This whole ordeal took away 6 hours from my life.

Someone told me that thinking someone did something because of you when its most likely not is the most selfish thing ever. I never thought of it like that, he has a point.

When you live your life like there's no tomorrow, there tends to actually be a tomorrow. As a result, I'm missing a large portion of my yesterday and the entirety of the year [redacted]. (This is a Will Wood reference btw)

I need to open an issue to Mullvad so that they can let me add custom subnets (`200::/7` in my case) to their local network sharing feature. Maybe I should also either try fixing that piece of shit distcc or make it use the builtin thing. (Also crosstools-ng but I don't but whatever dude). GitHub hates me so idk.

I just found out that the Mullvad VPN GUI uses Electron. I feel sexually assaulted. After digging through a million fucking files I found out that add_allow_lan_rules is what adds nftables rules to allow LAN CIDRs. Adding an option to add custom subnets would be a huge fucking pain in the ass. So for now I'll just have to write a script that adds 200::/7 to the chains.

I just finished setting up gitolite for #3 and it's annoying as shit. The key here is reading the manual and ~/.gitolite.rc.

I tried this thing called OpenCode which lets me use a free Chinese LLM to do stuff but I hit a rate limit after it used 100k tokens (idk what a token is) on like two queries and it told me to wait 10 hours. I'm not using it again.

2/16/26

I am feeling pretty good today. The weather is great, I don't feel awful and drained. The air is crisp and refreshing. I have a bit of a headache from this Monster but all is well. I feel like my emotions are "numbed" but this is most definitely due to my emotions being less intense for the time being.

Apparently nicotine abstinence increases the area under the curve (AUC) of caffeine pharmacokinetics by 46% (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/3365914/). Caffeine follows first-order kinetics, so the dosage of caffeine after a certain amount of time, if we take into account that caffeine's half-life is usually around 6 hours in adults, it would be DOSE/2^(t/6) (I came up with this intuitively but didn't know if it was actually the correct one so I copied the rate equation for first-order reactions from wikipedia and pasted into wolframalpha. I am too dumb for differential equations or whatever). So if we plug Solve[Integrate[2^(-(t/6)), {t, 0, 24}] == (146/100) Integrate[2^(-(t/x)), {t, 0, 24}], x] into WolframAlpha we get the approximation 3.90812. The paper didn't specify how much the smokers smoked and such as it's hard to quantify nicotine consumption, so let's just say the half-life will decrease to about 4 hours on average.

#2 still doesn't really want to talk to me.

I forgot to write about #1. He told me he's going to take it only twice a week. Cariprazine has a ridiculously long half-life (well not as long as amiodarone or prozac) so this does work.

I only watched the endless eight episodes of The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi in contrary to a lot of people who skipped them. As such I have no grasp of the plot. I guess it's about "what if God was one of us?" or something. idc. I don't like stories that are too detached from reality. I watched it like 4 years ago.

2/15/26

I went to sleep at 1am and woke up at 3am. I couldn't go back to sleep so I took a shower and watched a bit of Welcome To The NHK but I couldn't watch it due to second hand embarrassment. Then I went to sleep again at 7am and woke up at 8am. This is due to nicotine/caffeine withdrawals, I've been sleeping like an animal, 2 hours of sleep with 4 hours of wake time. Needless to say I'm back on both.

I don't know which one caused this, or maybe both, but I was genuinely going insane due to withdrawals. The physical fatigue was whatever, I have constant fatigue anyway, but I couldn't deal with the paranoia and mental instability that ensued. Actually I think it's the nicotine, nicotine is an antipsychotic. I don't know if it's the nicotine or cotinine (its metabolite (probably both)), but the thing is that it reduces delusions and paranoia in schizophrenics. I'm not schizophrenic, but it's likely that withdrawals made my preëxisting disorders worse.

2/14/26

This is beautiful: https://vivarism.neocities.org/diary/24/februaryx

I don't know if I ever actually recovered from my DXM abuse. I still have trouble articulating myself properly (or maybe this is just perception bias), my focus has never been the same, and I've been getting progressively worse mentally. Just today I heard a knock on the door while I was showering (my bathroom is inside my room because its a bedroom (which barely leaves room for a desk, but more about this later)) and I almost cried because I was so stressed out. What was going into my room. What was it going to do? I later discovered nothing had happened which actually weirded me out even more.

DXM gave me a delusion and while it wasn't a debilitating delusion it was still very painful to deal with. I thought I was a demon inhabiting this flesh suit, basically. I think I had this delusion for about a month. I thought I had to "preserve" this body so the real owner could come back safely. Well, he never returned, because I am him and he is me.

The question of "Why am I me?" has plagued me ever since I was a little child. This is different from "Why am I myself?" of which the answer is clear: I am myself because I did the things that lead to the me that is here typing this. But... why am I *me* specifically? I'm using me instead of myself like how we use "him" and "her"; "Why is she her?" instead of "Why is she herself?" and so on. So why *am* I me? Well, the scientific explanation is that I developed consciousness as my brain was developing and that has created a unique sense of self that my brain perceives. But I just don't like this. I don't like it. I don't like it. Something's missing but I don't know what is.

Dude. This shit is lit. So basically theres this formula of calcul8ing the day of the week (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Determination_of_the_day_of_the_week#Disparate_variation), if you wanna use it in your C code you'd have to do this:

int dow(int y, int m, int d) {
  int Y = y - (m &lt;= 2), y2 = Y%100, c = Y/100;
  m += 9; m -= 12 * (m &gt;= 12); // we can do this because __builtin_assume(m + 9 &lt; 24)
  return (d + (26*(m + 1) - 2)/10 + y2 + y2/4 + c/4 - 2*c) % 7;
}

2/13/26

-- I wrote this one on paper, so I'll transcribe it here.

i want to kill myself. why should i live like this, i cant fucking stand this. why does my life need to be like this everyone hates me everyone wants me gone its all my fault its all my fault let me please live my life why am i perpetually stuck here i cant. why. why. why. why. why. everything is so futile. i cant stand it anymore. why does this have to happen to me? why? why? why?

2/12/26

Ok, I just read an incredible study on how Vitamin C megadoses can alleviate opioid withdrawals almost entirely (https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7572147/). They have this regimen of taking 2g of vitamin C every 2 hours (this can vary). The article mentions a woman who was taking 1800mg of morphine and 300mg of fentanyl and this is hard to believe. I guess the fentanyl was cut but seriously? It'd still be way over the LD100.

2/11/26

#1 was starting Vraylar (cariprazine) for his bipolar disorder and I gave him some advice on titration/dosages and stuff. psychiatrist.com is lit. He's depressed but he isn't crashing out at random people while drunk anymore so it's good.

#2 didn't really want to talk to me. I don't know why.

I want to start my website again.

[redacted]